The Master Craft of Discipline and Training: Make a Memory!

The History

I grew up in a house where my dad wanted us to learn tremendous independence from a young age, and while he valued order, he wasn't quite sure how to require it.  He would often lose his temper, as many are prone to do, and I think he shrank back in the discipline department for fear of overdoing it.  I applaud him for that.  He overcame a pretty colorful childhood, and I mean all the worst colors, and I'm proud of him for that.  So we didn't learn much discipline from him. 

My mom will tell you to this day that she has no idea how to discipline and doesn't like doing it.  She is the sweetest person alive and gives generously of herself as she loves serving others.  Since kids love to be waited on hand and foot, my two older sisters and I sort of thought we hit the Kid Lottery there.  But again, not a lot of discipline came from that corridor either.

So now Jed and I have our own kids, and while we're drawing from all the amazing things my parents did for and were to us, and there are many (in addition to everything we've gleaned from his folks), we are sorting out on our own the Master Craft of Discipline and Training. 

The List

Here's what I know so far about the Master Craft of Discipline and Training (says the woman in training herself):

1. Always in love, always from the perspective that you're trying to help train the kid, and always telling them why they got in trouble and that you love them
2. Never out of anger...Being angry while you're disciplining is fine...doing so from an out-of-control need to satiate your anger not so much  (I think this is where my dad was trying to draw the line, and wisely so when he succeeded.)
3. One rule: obedience first.  Obviously, a well run household has a Basic Order list of rules to help bring understanding to your children.  But in our house, there's one overarching Daddy of All Rules:  Obedience First.  Do what I ask, then you can ask me about it, but first, do what I ask.  I've recently begun the "Try again" method.  If Levi decides to become chatty when given instruction, here's how it often goes. 
   Me:  "Levi, do 'this or that or whatever' please."
   Levi:  "Hey, Mommy..."
   Me:  "Try again."
   Levi:  "Mommy, but..."
   Me:  "Try again."
   Levi:  "Yes, ma'am." 
   This doesn't mean he doesn't have legitimate questions or something to explain.  He's free to explore those topics after he obeys.  If this sounds harsh, try being the boss of a grown man who never learned to follow directions, or visit training camp in the military and see if they waste lots of time discussing everyone's preferences. 
4. Basic Order list of rules:  those bits of commonsense guidance that help a kid know where the boundaries lie.  Think about what matters most to you when making these rules, things like manners, cleaning up, and so forth.  Also think about what would most benefit your kids to learn.  If you have strong-willed children, certain rules might be more important than those you would use for more compliant kids. 
5. BE CONSISTENT!  I'm not great at this, but at least I know it, so I'm getting better.  I've got to honor the rule every time, or Levi will see that sometimes it doesn't matter, which means every time is up for negotiation in his head.  Boo.  This is hard, especially when kids are just learning, because they love repetition and testing, so if you're consistent, you're pretty much a robot spouting the same tune over.  And over.  And over.  And....over.  Not fun, but necessary.
   
   MAKE.  A.  MEMORY!  It's the most beneficial bit of discipline wisdom by far, for me.
6. Make a memory!  This is a new one for me and is the most beneficial one, by far.  It's really the one that inspired me to write this post.  Give a consequence that really makes an impression, one your kid won't soon forget, or hopefully will never forget.  See anecdotes below.  I'm so glad for the Holy Spirit here.  How many times have I nearly pulled out my hair trying to get my son to understand?!
7. Be creative!  For #6 to work, you have to be open to all sorts of possibilities, and you cannot be a pansy.  Sometimes it really does hurt you more than they, and I'm not just talking about spankings.  This is another area when you take into consideration personality and preferences of your kid.  I have to get very creative with independent Levi.  I can already tell from Adelaide's personality that if I were to use on her some of the things I use on Levi, it would probably devastate her. 

The Anecdotes

Lists make it seem like the writer has it all perfectly down pat, especially when the writer always tends to come off as a Know-It-All (clearly someone other than I!), but I do not.  Knowledge is only half the battle, but it's been very cool for Jed and me as we have started treading this path and found ourselves quite dumbfounded quite often.  But here's what made me think of writing on this topic.

Levi has started this habit.  Whenever it's clean-up time, he's started to slump down and say, "I'm tired."  What?!  This is not the cheerful cleaner-upper attitude I've been trying to cultivate.  But had I been consistent about clean-up time all the time?  Next question please.  So I was wracking my brain for a way to make an impression, asking Holy Spirit to throw me a bone.  He did.  I said very calmly to Levi, "Oh, I'm sorry you feel so tired, especially during clean-up time which is a fun way to get our play area tidy and to take care of our very cool toys so they can last a long time.  If you're too tired to take care of your things, though, then they'll have to go away."  I began picking them all up and taking them to a storage spot out of his reach.  "Go lie down in your bed so you can get the rest you need."

Four-year-old panic.

This made an impression on him.  Now, that's the rule.  If he makes that excuse during clean-up time, the toys he doesn't care to tend to go away, and he goes to bed, two things he hates.  Meanwhile, I'm taking opportunity to come up with clean-up songs and to reinforce to him why it's not so bad after all if you know why you're doing it.  And sometimes we just have to do stuff when we'd rather do something else.  Welcome to life. 

I learned this tactic from my apostle who had the following experience with his son.  They were in a store, and his son saw a toy he liked.  They ended up getting him the toy, which every parent knows is a special, out-of-the-ordinary act of generosity and love.  But as they walked out of the store, his son began to say that he was kind of sad.  He really preferred another toy he'd seen in there.  Uh-oh.  My apostle immediately saw an opportunity to teach gratefulness.  "Coincidentally," and we know it was no such thing, a woman with a son the same age was walking past them to go into the store.  Apostle immediately caught her attention and asked her if they might give her son the toy that his son had.  She said that was fine, and my apostle's son had to hand over his new toy to that other little boy.  He was obviously very upset by it, but his dad had an opportunity to show him what it was to feel thankful about the gift he had been given.  Suddenly, that toy was special.  His son is now a 6-foot-tall 14-year-old who is well-mannered, obedient, funny, and happy, and he still remembers that day.  His dad made a memory, and he learned a very important lesson about being grateful and being content with what we have.

Parenting is tough!  I've written so much here, because Jed and I are on a big learning curve in this area, and it is constant.  It is the nature of what we do in everything we do with our kids, guiding them, shaping them, helping them to grow into productive, satisfied, helpful members of society.

It requires of us, and it requires that we search deep for what matters and what we can do to teach it.  It requires that we trust our instincts and the God that gave them to us, and it requires that we stand by what we know even when others cast judgement (not knowing our kid or all the facts!).  It requires that we realize we'll not be perfect, and that's OK. 

Thank God kids are malleable, and thank God they're resilient!  And thank God for the widsom and tenacity and hard-nosed pluck that smart parents cling to in order to complete the wonderful, and potentially earth-changing, task before them.

The End

The Small Joys of a Check-Up

I got in the car and felt a little giddy.  I was dressed.  I was out of the house.  I was alone.  I didn't have spit-up all over my shirt, at least as far as I could tell, and anyway, who cared? 

I don't have to stop and give the whole spiel about how awesome my kids are, do I?  Or that I absolutely cherish them and the blessing it is that I can be home to rear them just as we choose?  Or that I would never beg for something called "Me Time" that's become popular in our culture?  My whole life is mine and consists of the consequences of my own choices and cannot be compartmentalized.  But I also don't have to explain to any of you moms out there how great it is to do something else for a bit, whatever it might be.  However, I wasn't off to a spa day or anything fancy like that.

I had a doctor's appointment.  Not one for the kids, though, which is just crazy, but one of my own.  So I had to get a sitter for the kids, and our motherly, generous, and kind next-door neighbor agreed to come by and hang out with them while I was gone.  Walking out the door and hearing the mental noise clear, and continue to clear, slowly, until I could hear my own thoughts in tidy succession was as exhilarating as the frosty blast of air that froze my eyebrows and made me momentarily breathless.

My younger self would've seen a doctor's visit as necessary drudgery, but not this lady.  I left a little early.  I went by the gas station and got a cup of coffee, because I just hadn't gotten to my coffee pot this morning.  (I slept as late as I possibly could, because my adorable daughter wakes us constantly in the night when she's teething.)  So I got the coffee, then I drove just under the speed limit to get to the office.  I checked in, wandered around the waiting room, and enjoyed the view of the little pond outside the large picture window before settling down with a magazine. 

Once in the examination room, the nurse took my vitals, and I gave a relaxed mental shrug when I saw my current weight.  "Who cares.  I'm healthy," I told myself and sort of laughed at how age and children have matured my perspective and given me leave to breathe a bit.  After the nurse left, I sat alone and hoped the doctor would be late, or better, would forget about me and leave me sitting there in total quiet, sipping my coffee and looking around.  Maybe they'd go through their day somehow avoiding that room altogether, then at closing time, I could mosey out, smile my good-byes, and head home, leaving them with their confusion.

Well, the doctor came faster than she ever has.  I'd barely drunk any more coffee, and there she was.  But still, I love her, and it was a pleasure to answer her questions:  "Any unusual health things you want to discuss?  Do you still not smoke?  Do you still exercise?  How are things going?"  It was much more relaxing than the usual questions fired my way:  "Is poop from your food, and pee from your juice?  Would it hurt Adelaide if she falls off the bed, even though it doesn't hurt me?  Can I wear my underwear outside my pants?  [bursting into the bathroom] What are you doing?"  And so on.

Then, again in record time, the check-up was over.  I was ready to converse some more about my heart or anything, but I looked fit, and my doctor had other people to see. 

So I checked out, but I didn't leave.  Oh no.  I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, especially after two kids, but I'm no idiot.  I went back to the waiting room and sat down with Magazine and my coffee. It was all backwards, and I'm sure I got a few looks, but hey, I had given an estimated timeframe to our sweet neighbor, and I still had some sand in that hourglass.  Who of us would let such an opportunity go to waste?

Sitting in the quiet, sipping my coffee uninterrupted, and then just tossing Magazine back in the pile to still my mind and have a leisurely chat with God...It ended up being quite refreshing.  And much cheaper than a spa day.*


*If you are my husband reading this, please know that I am not making light of spa days and would much prefer it over a doctor's office visit if presented with a choice between the two.  FYI.